Log in

No account? Create an account
going nowhere blindfolded [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[08 May 2006|10:58pm]
In reading this article regarding the Zacarias Moussaoui trial is particularily striking to me. I am anti-death penalty, for so very many reasons, one of which involves the complete & utter abitrary nature in which it is applied. This article clearly describes this.
Although I disagree a bit w/ the basic idea that John Spenkelink's case was compared with Moussaoui's case - in that Spenkelink had a case that was laid out with evidence, whereas Moussaoui's case was riddled with holes and inacurate in so many facets which cautioned some jurors because they could not trust the states' contention wholeheartedly and while they may have had high emotions and wanted to sentence him to death, some reportedly felt that the laws bound them to a very broad conceptual basis for guilt and punishment.

How can you choose who dies?Collapse )

1 fire | burning

[08 May 2006|04:44pm]
shooting guns...wisconsin style.

Somehow (a) reminds me of hunter s. thompson, circa '70's in this picture.

the road less traveled [06 May 2006|10:21pm]

The road just gets a little more fuzzy the further I go.

[14 Dec 2005|06:23pm]

it's been a long time since i've posted; much less posted anything about myself.

school is almost over for this term - i haven't done so well due to the fact that i've really lapsed on actually attending classes. i feel a little upset sometimes, because of the way (a) almost guilts me into spending as much time with him as i can. i feel sometimes that i'm caught in a no win situation. i'll write soon, in detail, about what's been going on for the past months. it's been a rollercoaster - the events have anyways, although i'm stable and boring.

here's a few pictures from last spring. late april or early may i believe.

(a) and our dog, seven.

(a) & me.
1 fire | burning

[01 Sep 2005|10:41pm]

absolutely appalled - more death on the television. Diabetics without food or insulin, men and women in dire conditions. Perhaps the most captivating and moving image I've seen today: a man slumped over in his wheelchair, apparently dead, with a short note written to help identify his loved ones. The man knew he would die and wrote out his final words amid such despicable conditions. I just broke out crying because of the absolute and total devastation. People who have lived without food, water, and shelter are now living without hope. It looks as though people are barely hanging on; women who are full term with their pregnancies wading through the sewage infested water, persons going through shock, and the elderly suffering in grotesque conditions.

It has been reported that some food and water was finally dropped; after four days a small amount of aide has come in. The amount has only sustained a couple hundred people - where more than 20,000 are still waiting to die or be picked up and shipped to refugee camps. These people look as though they are loosing all semblance of hope. It is heartbreaking and shocking to see this going on within this country.

The astrodome, in Texas has agreed to accept 25,000 refugees. The people in New Orleans were told that "help is on the way" and that they will be shipped to Texas and be fed and taken care of. It has now come to light that the astrodome is no longer accepting anymore refugees. There is approx. 8,000 people there. There are still tens of thousands of people barely living, amid sewage. Where are these people going? Has the government thought about this? And why is it so difficult to drop water and food from an airplane or helicopter? These people are starving and suffering right in front of us, and all the money that has been raised and the $10.5 billion aide that has passed in the senate is not being put to use fast enough. Why are things taking this long? People are dying; the conditions keep getting worse day by day.
1 fire | burning

[01 Sep 2005|05:59pm]

I’m sitting here watching coverage of hurricane Katrina and find myself absolutely saddened with the situation. It becomes quite obvious to me, that the federal government’s response to the tragedy was sluggish and lacked a direct communication between agencies and the people.

I cannot even begin to imagine the difficulty of a situation like this. Is it troubling that the regions that were hit are largely poorer, black communities. The African American population, which makes up roughly 70% of these communities, are largely stranded in a city overcome by water with no drinking water, food, or bathrooms for over four days. I know the difficulty of going a day or so without eating, but cannot fathom going so many days without any form of nutrition. Many of these people are not sleeping and are hurt and maimed by the hurricane and subsequent flooding. Human conditions are deteriorating as bodies and human waste are floating in the water. Two of the most disturbing images I’ve seen on the television include caskets which had been moved from their final resting place by the hurricane and an old woman, slumped over in her wheelchair; dead. It’s sad to see the entire communities completely wiped out. An area with rich cultural history such as New Orleans reduced to a wall of water and bodies.

One needs to realize that although people were told to evacuate the city beforehand, many lacked resources in which to leave. People had nowhere to go and no way to get there. Many people on welfare or unemployment did not have their checks and lacked the means in which to get out. I believe that when all is said and done, it will be realized that many victims of this disaster were of lower means and unable to get out before the worst set in. Should there have been government assistance in helping individuals get out of the city? Yes, probably.

I’ve also seen a large disruptive force taking hold, as people turn desperate and as a minority take the extreme of carrying guns and using force to get through the situation. It’s troubling to hear in reports that there have been situations of rape, suicide, and death within the superdome, that the conditions continue without food and water reaching the people (although the government says it’s on the way). As quick as the federal government is to involve itself in any foreign affairs, they lacked a plan for any “worst case scenarios” that happened on our own soil. It has been stated by many of the local officials that the federal government started to slow and lacked a planned initiative to carry out. I don’t see why armed members of the military have no came out with a blowhorn to direct the people, as chaos is erupting and people are becoming desperate. It seems that all forms of communication to the people of this disaster have been limited, and a clear plan has been widely overlooked. I understand the difficulty that this situation has imposed; billions of dollars spent to rebuild, people without jobs or homes, family members missing and dying, and the decree of anarchy. However, it seems clear to me that the initial response by the federal government was quick, but the actions taken were much too slow. As anarchy continues within New Orleans, a hospital evacuating the sick and dying were shot at by snipers. Things get sadder and sadder to hear about.

How difficult would it be to drop packages of food and water to the large pockets of people? And after the first day of this tragedy was unveiled and citizens were captured looting stores and using violence against each other and law enforcement, it seemed necessary to have a large military presence to direct and calm the people. However, the majority of our military are in Iraq right now, instead. With thousands upon thousands of people tired, angry, and hurt there is seemingly no one to help these people. And the people that are helping cannot help fast enough. I hope this gives the initiative for the government to come up with a plan for situations like this, the worst case scenario, and hopefully help save people’s lives. Seeing this happening in America, the ‘richest’ country in the world is startling and thought-provoking. They are telling the people to start walking out of the city, because there are no more buses to get the people out. Children are screaming “we need help” at the camera, and it’s heartbreaking.

[20 Jun 2005|06:39pm]

just got done storming; hail, strong winds, humid.

feels similar to the connection between my brain&heart. muddy communications.
{static} . . .

So, (a) just alluded to the fact that he's read my journal. It really sort of bothered me, not because I am scared of what he will read, but of how he will interpret what I have to say. I understand this is a public forum, however, I never realized that he would make the connection to what I've written over these past few yrs.
It's just as well, I guess. After all, I feel completely comfortable with my feelings for him; I love him and cannot imagine life without him. I worry, instead, of how he interprets how I feel. It seems that he questions how I feel - somehow my words getting lost along the way...or muddled into some foreign language.
"YES!" I say, "I love you!" for christsakes
but he still worries about a past relationship, one that came before, during, and somewhat after my initial connection with (a). we are all friends, but (a) sometimes alludes that he thinks I'm somehow still in love with this person. Yes, I loved (n) at one time, and still do - it's only natural. But it's (a) that I've fawned over and given up the distrust I used to feel towards relationships. I feel completely comfortable, which is something I've never been able to feel in any previous relationships - but it seems so pointless because he seems to distrust my words and feelings. Also, this is the first time I've been in a relationship in which the other person seems to be at odds with this issue of trust. It is the only issue that bogs down our relationship; hence, it seems so substantial to me.
I am ready to settle down and love.
it's time, and i believe 'he's the one'. trust needs to be there.

[24 May 2005|07:28pm]

There is almost a portal-like feeling when a loved one steps through to this other side. This other side is glassy; it feels like Alice is on the other side of the looking glass seeing reality in a frightening new form.

Mutated senses arise;
colors transforming into shapes
blending in&out of
memories exceeding
the bounds of time&motion.

Your once clear vision presents itself skewed into the past. You envision yourself as a child and within the confines of your mind you find solace in the past. The memories of late seem to become hazy and disappear within the confines of seconds. No one seems to notice as you grasp at your former self and day after day you slowly slip away. Once you are completely rendered over to this other side, your brain feels clouded with plaque. This damper cloud leaves dark deposits on the soul. Who have you become?
No one seems to know.

You take a glance at people around you and become tense; you are scared and unsure of which foot will go in front of the other, the indecision results in the inevitable collapse.

[ when I go to work, I see death at the worst scale: individuals leaving their former self to die in a world that we cannot grasp. It’s scary and troubling. So many of my “friends” have passed on – gone in a painful, uneasy deaths. President bush says he will veto the bill passed by the house of representatives, (a 238-194 vote) which is far short of the two-thirds majority that would be needed to override a veto. I see stem-cell research as a way to enable life – not kill it. Watching the world around me crumble into the ground, has made me realize this is absolutely important. Perhaps, it may hold the key to help individuals with alzheimers, parapalegics, diabetes, or parkinsons. A host of agonizing problems, organically implanting themselves within our bodies. Free radicals, floating everywhere. Who is safe. No one. it feels like 1984.
in a society in which we collectively allow executions, perhaps of innocent or undeserving individuals, do we not owe it to bush’s ideology of a “culture of life” to do something to help society as a whole – not stall or interrupt it.


[24 May 2005|05:00pm]

oh! dear god
please grant me relief
it's been so many yrs
inside this muddy creek.

flowing peacefully - ophelia styled. flowers
in hair - dressed carefully with care. give her
the rites! every funeral grants clemency.
lungs collapse - churning currents point to
a pain in the back. WHAT'S THAT? a surgical scar!? [scare]
carry the weight on strength alone, the water
floats this body to a shallow[sallow] grave.

[23 May 2005|11:04pm]
just sitting here,
it seems i've been doing an awful lot of sitting lately (waiting, wishing, god-willing). oh lord send me three wishes. just three; i promise i'll be good.

smoking some marijuana, to dull the eventual discomfort with my surroundings, myself, and reality. i've just finished school - looking forward to this summer...(what summer)? i have little plans, negative money, and a dreary lull hanging over my head. i plan to take many photographs, immerse myself in the little pleasures in life, and have tea-time daily.

lately, (a) and i have hit this sort of rut - well, not exactly. i love, trust, and encourage him more than anyone in my entire life. there is this sort of magic that comes over me most of the time. there are little bits of time that seem suspended into space; little thoughts hovering from brain to brain. however, there is this sexual issue; although i don't necessarily think the word "issue" is the correct description of whats going on. sometimes we have the most amazing love, well, most of the time. i however, feel somewhat unsatisfied at times. i enjoy love-making daily. one night, last week, we hadn't seen each other for about a week. we made love 8 times in less than 24 hours. then there are the "lonely nights". spent last night turning in bed, waiting for (a) - just as i drift away he enters. puts his arm on me, "i'm tired..." i get up and go out and sleep on the futon. i feel guilty; but not entirely - because he's admitted that he feels he has been a "lack-luster" significant other to me lately. i disagree, but not wholeheartedly. i revel in physical contact; he teters between the extreme opposites daily. he told his mother about his plans to marry me, she is so very excited.(?) (a) tells me daily how proud he is to be with me; how much his family likes and is impressed, not only by me but by the changes they have seen in him since we've been together. i believe some emotional bridges have been built between his family and himself - which is unequivocally positive.

his family comes from extreme wealth; stockbroker & professor. upper crust of society; pious, and gossipy. extremely italian catholic conservative family. i see little to compare to with my means in the world; blue-collar, independent, liberal. they for some reason, love me to pieces. (a) says they have never been so impressed by a girl he's been around. (a) jokes about how i am much more liked than he, somehow i found this humorous, but somewhat true. it's amazing, after all the years of being the rebel, anti-authoritarian, and sardonic individual, i am seen as this angel that came down to save their son. he didn't need to be saved, nor am i a "sav-ee" of sorts - but our union has nonetheless been positive on both ends of the spectrum. (j), his mom says, "(A)! Don't ever let this girl go! She's a saint!". a saint? how times have changed.

this morning, after waking to the sunlight, sitting, thinking, and contemplating my feelings of slight inadequacy i crawled back into bed with (a), sometime this morning i began having nightmares. i remember especially screaming, arguing, and basically hating my father. many other people in the nightmare, (mom, (a) included). more pain and hurt between my father and i. it ends with my opening of a door, bright light shining from behind, with grandma standing there. i turn to my mother, "did you see that". and i wake up trembling...

the nightmare foreshadowed my day; came home, fought with father because i pissed off my mother. my cousin is getting married, my mom wanted me to come with her to the bridal shower. my 87 year old grandma, inez, was coming with my mom and it was supposed to be a wine tasting kind of thing. i really dreaded the thought of getting wasted in front of my jehovah's witness grandma. so i told her i had to work, she found out i didn't, hence, she was pissed. can you blame me? seriously, i just don't go to those kind of things.

happy trails for now.

[04 May 2005|08:56pm]

* not much going on these days.
went to chicago a little bit ago, saw the locust & phantomas.
working on a bereavement research paper, which i see as ironic & difficult, considering the recent passing of my grandmother. i think about her every day; hear her voice, smell her perfume, but i can't envision her. i see her image in pictures, but lack the mental ability to see her.

very, deeply, in love.
how strange things have
been working out so well.

[14 Apr 2005|09:11am]

i haven't written much here in the last few months because of a sort of transitional phase i'm going through. watching my grandmother die was one of the single hardest moments of my lifetime, it has left searching for who i am and what i stand for. she was the single closest person to me in my life and i miss her dearly. i talk to her every night; speaking a few words to help feel connected. i've been sleeping with her body pillow for the last couple of weeks because it reminds me of her. she always had this smell to her, a sweet fragrance that always reminded me of grandma. i will never forget that smell. officiating her funeral was the single most difficult thing i've ever done. everyone told me it was a beautiful ceremony and that grandma would have been proud. and i think she would have.
growing up i always wondered if i was adopted. my features are much different than my mom, dad, or sisters'. they all have dark brown hair, olive coloured skin, and brown or green eyes. i grew up with a different profile, blonde hair, blue eyes. i always wondered where i came from, but looking at pictures of my grandma show me that i am almost a duplicate of her. we both had the same scandanavian colouring, facial features, and disposition. she was much prettier than i, though.
spending more & more time thinking about my (past)(present) future. (a) has been so lovely to me; helping me through the pain of the last months. he holds my hands and kisses my face gently, all the while telling me how much i mean to him, how i've opened up his eyes, how much love there is between us...
there's been an almost 'psychic' bond between us; we think the same things at the same times. we finish (as well as start) each other's sentences. he's been talking about marriage...
2 fires | burning

[06 Apr 2005|09:58am]

My GrandmotherCollapse )

i cannot believe she's gone...
2 fires | burning

[04 Apr 2005|01:25pm]

a eulogy

I wasn’t sure if I could get up here today, my emotions are raw and unedited – so please excuse me if my emotions boil over. I just wanted to share a few words about someone who was very important to me; my grandma Thada.

On Tuesday, I lost my Grandmother. Not only was she my grandmother, but also my mentor and my friend. She passed on more than a week after her stoke; allowing us to grieve while she was still with us. She held on because she was strong willed and a fighter. This past week seemed more like an eternity than a number of days because it pained me so much to know what she was going through. Even though she was in pain she was able to give me strength during this time. While she was in bed, sick and dying, I asked her if I could hold her hand. She lifted up her hand and held mine. I squeezed her hand gently and she returned the gesture – mustering up the strength to squeeze mine back. We held hands for the duration of my time with her. I strongly believe that although she was unable to express herself, she knew I was there. And I find solace within that.

As I stood at her bedside, I was begging her to stay with me – stay with us. I then began to realize at this time that it was her time to go. Standing next to her bedside, I told her that I could let her go, because on the other side of the door was my Grandfather waiting for her. Grandma flickered her eyes quickly – and in a moment of clarity she squeezed my hand again.

Grandma was a complex woman; she marched to the beat of her own drum. She could be contrary, but amusing and wonderful all at the same time. She was strong-willed and determined; full of purpose, independent, sincere, honest, and a feminist when feminism was merely a thought.
She was also a very bright woman; a valedictorian & vice president of her high school class – but she wouldn’t want anyone to know that. And that’s how grandma was. Humble...to the very end.

As I grew up, Grandma taught me how to draw and paint. When we would come to visit, she would sit down with me for hours and draw. Grandma would always encourage me, regardless of how unflattering my pictures were. On the other hand, grandma would draw marvelous pictures – capturing the heart of the subject at hand. She taught me to appreciate and understand art, life, and the world around me. I remember being quite a bit younger and we would walk the length of Babcock – down to where the playground was. She would actually play with me – keeping up with the energy of a small child. I remember talking her into sitting on the merry-go-round while I spun her around as fast as I could. Visibly sick, she would tell me what a great time she had, even though the contrary was probably true.

I want to tell you all a little story about Grandma. When I was quite a bit younger, Adam and I dug a hole in the yard. The hole was probably a couple feet deep by a couple feet wide. We put a blanket over top of the hole and lured grandma outside, under the presumption of watching me skip rope. Once grandma walked over the blanket laid out on the ground she fell in and immediately started laughing. She thought this little trick was witty and wholly ingenious. I doubt I would have gotten away with doing this unless I was her granddaughter.

In my mind, as I let my dear, loving, compassionate grandmother go, I see her opening the door to a new eternal life. This door has opened freely and in the bright background, I see grandma, sauntering toward the light with grandpa and her loved ones on the other side.
2 fires | burning

[08 Mar 2005|05:56pm]


i find this absolutely mortifying and disgusting. how is a person supposed to distinguish between a stray cat and an outdoor cat? my cats are both indoor cats, however, they often times find themselves outdoors by sneaking past my leg and running away. Also, they sometimes scratch their necks, allowing their collars to find a new home on the floor.

fucking ridiculous.

only in wisconsin
3 fires | burning

[21 Feb 2005|12:08pm]

the death of the american dream...

the suicide of hunter s. thompson crumbles my foundation. it seems that all people who i look up to, or find solace within art, snuffs themselves out. not that i don't understand - but that perhaps i understand a little too much.


i am still alive, usually happy, & somewhat healthy - i'm just spending a lot of time reevaluating myself. still with (a), & happy, but questioning the validity of everything i tell myself.
1 fire | burning

[19 Dec 2004|09:07pm]

today was one of the most deadliest days to date in Iraq. i feel so saddened when the news comes on saying "two americans, killed in combat". we concentrate so much on the american aspect. a car bomb tore through a funeral procession followed by another bomb exploding in a bus station - killing 60, injuring 120.

five people ripped away from a car, dragged through the street and executed.

what happened to humanity? did it ever really exist? why does religion cause this fervor that destroys?

i feel ashamed to be an american. i feel such anger at the cost of lives. the toll we have put on the Iraqi people has been devastating. i wonder if this will ever end.

(i am so depressed)
1 fire | burning

[01 Nov 2004|01:31pm]

so i haven't been able to articulate anything lately; it's some mess of cognition, a loss of cognizant thinking. am i thinking? it's like i've become so indifferent about everything - my emotions are so outwardly level and smooth that it appears that i have no negative emotions.
inside things are a lot different, however, and it's sort of scary that i cannot get anything out. what the fuck is happening? seriously, i'd like to know. i even have a hard time expressing my emotions toward (a) - maybe somewhere underneath this is just a defense mechanism.


tomorrow is election day in the u.s.; please vote! it's never been so imperative.
2 fires | burning

[07 Oct 2004|10:43pm]

spent yesterday in eau claire, finding excuses just to be there. i bought my father fahrenheit 911 for his birthday. he said he would like to have seen it, regardless of the stance that he is widely indifferent regarding politics. i asked him yesterday if he cared about birthdays. "no". i ask if he cares about my birthday. "no". however if i don't get him a gift than i will be the inconsiderate one.

spent yesterday w/ (a). slept over. he kept waking up and grabbing me and vice versa only to smile, kiss, hold, and then promptly fall asleep, again. this happened about 11 times during the night. i feel on top of the world. butterflies in my stomach.
1 fire | burning

[30 Sep 2004|09:42pm]

i just finished watching the u.s. presidential debates, and two things struck me; how disapointing it is to not have a third party candidate included in the debates, and how impressed i am with j. kerry.

any thoughts/comments. i'd love to get different perspectives.

i find this website: http://www.truthout.org/index.htm to be quite informative, albeit biased. what politics aren't biased...
3 fires | burning

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]